I started the New Year with kindness to myself and ignored the calendar.
The New Year started for me with an unwelcome guest: food poisoning. I think it was from a bag of organic spring mix. It looked beautiful, tasted great, and we used it well before the “best by” date, but… You never know. New Year’s Day is usually a day for planning, goal-setting, scheduling with different colored pens. It makes my want-to-be-organized soul happy to see my little planner book all marked up. But that didn’t happen this year. I just didn’t have the energy. Instead of feeling guilty about not doing what I normally would do, I actively decided to start with kindness. Kindness to myself.
Sense of freedom
And by not going crazy with my colored pens, I felt a sense of freedom, despite feeling physically terrible. Obviously there were still things that had to get done, like caring for the dogs, but aside from that, I just relaxed, read my book, and drank water and ginger ale.
Starting the year with kindness, making that conscious effort to be kind, has done wonders for my mindset. More peace, looking both outward and inward. And knowing that everything that has to get done will get done. I’ll make time for important things and try to let go of other, less crucial items.
Healthy aging depends on a positive mindset.
Generally happier people live longer than unhappy people or those who look on the negative side of things. Happy people have greater resilience and are more able to bounce back from hardship. So, perhaps, my conscious decision to start with kindness this year will increase my resilience!
Get the important stuff done
Starting with kindness, though, does not mean that important activities will be left undone, though. Exercise is important to my physical and mental well-being, and makes me a better person to be with, so my regular workouts will certainly continue. I’ll still prepare my lessons and craft my articles with care.
By starting with kindness, perhaps I’ll be less focused on getting things done and be happier on the journey.
Lately it seems I’ve been having a series of rough days. Days when hardly anything goes right. I’ve learned that you can’t change the outside world, so when important banking software crashes, you really can’t do anything about it. When it’s pouring and you have to make 5 stops after work, put your raincoat on. What you can change, though, is your mindset to turn your rough day around.
Change what you can for the positive
The first thing is to figure out if you can change anything that you previously thought you couldn’t. Can you postpone any of your errands to a day when it’s not raining? If your banking task is crucial, can you do it in person? If you can’t change things, give a mental sigh, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Oh well. I’d better get changed, then.” If it were me having to run errands on a sopping wet day, I’d reward myself with a refreshing beverage.
Change your immediate mindset
If, when you get home, things are still so rough that you’re having a hard time concentrating, it may be time to close your eyes for a few minutes and clear your mind. Listen to a short guided meditation or just let your brain clear out. This is what Dr. Donna Williams, a family medicine physician at Advocate South Suburban Hospital, recommends. Or if you’re feeling antsy, take a brief walk.
More long-term change for your mindset
Exercise – and my dog – turn my rough day around.
When I go to bed in a bad mood, I have trouble sleeping, so I try to change my mood before bedtime. Most days I exercise in the late afternoon which makes me feel more positive about my world. Dr. Kiran Bojedla, a family medicine physician at Advocate Christ Medical Center, agrees. “On days I feel tired or overworked, I often find the endorphin release from a run or short workout made my day better. It doesn’t have to be much – even a short 20-minute walk around your neighborhood can give you a feeling of accomplishment and boost your mood.”
On days when I don’t feel like exercising (most days), but do it anyway, I feel completely virtuous after a workout and the world certainly looks better. And that endorphin release that Dr. Bojedla mentions lasts for hours.
You’ll increase your resilience too
Consciously improving your mindset will make you happier. Happiness increases optimism, which increases your resilience. Improve your mindset, get happy and more resilient. You know that there will be tough days in the future. It happens that way for everyone. With increased resilience you’ll be able to face those tough days with more equanimity.
Keeping track of everything is impossible. Stuff that you think you should know, like the size and brand of your favorite pair of jeans, you just can’t pull out of your brain. Or the title of the next book in the series you’re reading. And the albums you already own by your favorite music group (is that a thing with streaming any more???) What was the name of that new Thai restaurant you want to try? The web sites you want to check out.
Eliminate the mental clutter to focus on more important things.
And yet we all try to hold this stuff in our heads. The mental clutter just increases our anxiety, plays havoc with our peace of mind and with our health. All the random thoughts running through our brains distract us from the things we should be focusing on. So, if we get rid of all that mental junk, we’ll be able to focus on those more important things. Like improving our mindset and our physical health. When we’re able to focus on these important facets of our life, we’re happier too.
I tried to put all of this stuff on pieces of paper, but, needless to say, I couldn’t find the one I wanted when I needed it, and I had little pieces of paper all over the place, contributing to the masses of paper clutter.
A low-tech solution
One way I’ve found to keep all this on hand is on paper, yes, but in a notebook. In one of those multi-ringed binders or notebooks with the card-sized inserts. One card per item so that when you don’t need the reminder any longer, or if your size or preferences change, you can discard the old card and insert the new one.
Productivity expert Laura Stack advocates the use of “category lists” in a small binder: “’It’s not like you’re constantly reviewing these lists,’ she says, but they need to be with you (in a small binder, maybe) so that when you do unexpectedly find 15 minutes to run into a bookstore or pop into the hardware store, you’re ready.”
This will help in keeping track of everything, but it can take time to record everything and to find the pertinent item. So, I don’t believe that this is an ideal solution.
Digital solution
I use Google Keep – a free list tool. It’s pretty basic, but it’s searchable. So it’s perfect to keep track of random things. If I have to run to the store to pick up a few items. I make a new Keep list and open it when I’m at the store. I can check on the books I haven’t read by my favorite authors when I’m at a used bookshop. And I can check and see if any of the books I want to read are at that used bookshop.
Another nice thing about Google Keep is that my lists are synchronized among my devices. And when I no longer need one of these lists, I can simply delete or archive it. That keeps my head clear and my desk (relatively) clear too. So while I can’t keep track of everything, I can keep track of the things that are important to me – with a little help.
Everyone always says, “It can’t happen here.” Well, it happened here – or just a few miles down the road. The shooting at the Highland Park, IL Independence Day parade, just a few days ago, just a few miles away took our collective breath away. Nowhere is safe. Expect it anywhere, anytime. So, how do you shift your mindset to a place of peace following tragedy?
Dealing with tragic news
Even if a tragedy like a mass shooting incident does not involve you directly, when it’s physically close to home it hits people hard. I first learned of the shooting from a post by a friend and my brain just stopped working. I was with my sister and we turned on the TV. Of course all the local stations were covering the story but it was too early to learn any details – just that it happened.
Our friends in Highland Park
By then we’re thinking of all our friends who live in Highland Park. And of course it’s a natural thing to go to the parade on the 4th of July. Immediately we texted and messaged those friends to make sure they were OK. But we were in shock. My mindset was spiraling down, and I could feel the anxiety start.
Our friends were fine – a couple had started to head to the parade, but they were late and the roads were already closed. Knowing that our friends were not involved did not make the anxiety go away. This happened, and it was bad. It’s natural to ask, “How will I ever be safe again?”
Methods for coping
The first step in processing a tragedy like this is just to accept that it happened. You can’t lie to yourself and make it go away. But obsessing over the news coverage is also not helping to shift your mindset.
Stick to your normal routine
Sticking to your routine will help shift your mindset away from anxiety and get you back to “normal” sooner.
Keeping to your normal routine is an important way to process a tragedy, according to Dr. Munther Barakat, Director of Behavioral Therapy at Aurora Psychiatric Hospital in Wauwatosa, Wis. By maintaining our regular schedule, we can shift our mindset back to our normal happier one in less time. It’s important not to neglect basic self-care – keep to your normal sleep routine, eat healthy meals, schedule your workouts as usual. Maintaining your regular routines will strengthen your resilience and make you more able to face the future.
Exercise works
Exercise helps me cope with my anxiety. I have to focus on what I’m doing so I don’t trip over my own feet or kick the dogs, so exercise helps shift my mindset. And that shift lasts after the workout as well.
Walk in nature
If you don’t feel up to an intense workout, just taking a walk helps to improve your mindset as well. Fifteen to twenty minutes or so of deep breathing and looking at trees helps enormously. Of course, if these coping techniques aren’t working for you – if your anxiety grows, if you’re losing sleep and productivity at work, you may want to talk to a professional about it.
Bad people are still out there
Bad people will always be in the world. But we don’t have to dwell on their existence. Shift your mindset. Be happier with yourself and your corner of the world.
You already know it deep down inside, but you can prove that you’re amazing. Sometimes as we go through our lives, the days run together and, while we keep plugging away at the tasks that will move us forward, sometimes it feels like we’re treading in place. We keep busy, keep doing things but at the end of the day it doesn’t feel like we’ve actually accomplished anything at all.
Goals – big and little
I’ve talked about the importance of setting goals for ourselves regardless of the stage of life we’re in. Working toward a goal every day helps keep us feeling productive. I’ve talked about setting that big goal and breaking it up into workable pieces. Those huge, pie-in-the-sky, goals are then reduced to things that we can get done every day. And by the deadline that we set, that big goal is achieved.
But in doing those smaller tasks we sometimes forget how they’ll move us forward. We don’t feel the incentive or motivation we should when we think about that big goal.
Modified “Bird Dog” pose to work on improving my balance.
I test my own balance constantly and try difficult poses. (As we age, we lose our sense of balance unless we actively work on it. See my interview with Kathleen Cameron, Senior Director of the Center for Healthy Aging, about balance and preventing falls.) The “Bird Dog” is a plank exercise in which the opposite hand and foot are on the floor, the others extended. I certainly could not do that when I first started or for a long time after that. So I started on both knees with one arm extended, then both hands on the floor and one leg extended. Eventually I built up my strength and balance so that I was able to perform the full pose. But along the way I was discouraged by my lack of progress.
The Amazing Box
If you’re not seeing the progress you’d like, or if you’ve lost your motivation, it’s time to introduce the “Amazing Box.” This concept was introduced to me by Dr. Perpetua Neo,Doctor of Clinical Psychology.
Your Amazing Box
The Amazing Box is your instant motivator. If you’re feeling down about the chances of your achieving your goals, it’s time to delve into your Amazing Box. You’ve broken down your “Big Goal” into more manageable chunks, right? Whenever you complete one of those chunks, write down your accomplishment and stick it in your Amazing Box. Or, if you like using digital tools like Google Keep or Evernote, type an entry. Color code your entry if you like! Pretty soon your Amazing Box will have loads of entries, proving that you are, in fact, amazing..
The Bird Dog plank balance.
My quest to do the full Bird Dog pose was before I learned about the Amazing Box. I could have written down each day’s achievement – like “I was able to hold the modified Bird Dog with my left leg extended for 15 seconds!” Or “I held the full Bird Dog pose for a nanosecond but tipped over onto my chin. I got back up and held it for a second!”
Track your progress in your Amazing Box. You’ll be astonished at how far you’ve come in your journey toward your goals.
Use your Amazing Box for other accomplishments too
So much of our day is spent on seemingly inconsequential tasks that take a great deal of time. Like repotting a plant. Or refilling soap dispensers and cleaning up the mess that inevitably ensues. Use your Amazing Box to brag about these accomplishments too. No one will see it but you, and if those darn soap dispensers make you crazy every time you refill them, you have every right to acknowledge your success in filling them.
Prove that you’re amazing
If you look at the obstacles in your way and feel that they’re insurmountable, look in your Amazing Box and think about the obstacles you’ve already overcome. Your Amazing Box gives you the momentum you need to keep going. The accomplishments you’ve identified in your Amazing Box will boost your optimism, your happiness and your resilience.
Whenever you’re feeling like time is escaping from you, or that you’re not good enough, or that you’ll never achieve anything, dip into your Amazing Box and see just how much you really have done. You have proof that you’re amazing!
Ioften write about happiness and optimism, because happy and optimistic people are generally healthier and live longer than those who are unhappy or see the negative in everything. But even when you start the day with a positive outlook, sometimes it can be hard to maintain that optimistic mindset. Here are five ways to maintain positivity.
When the sun is shining it’s easier to be positive and optimistic. Everything looks better when it’s bright outside. But how about when it’s nighttime, or it’s gray and gloomy outside? How can you maintain positivity then?
#1 on the list of How to Maintain Positivity: Smile! After a workout, I have a big smile on my face.
Smile. That’s it. Just take a breath and show some teeth. Even if you don’t feel like smiling. When we smile, our brain releases the hormones dopamine and serotonin, associated with happiness and reducing stress. Believe it or not, a study performed by a group at the University of Cardiff at Wales found that people who could not frown due to botox injections were happier on average than those who could frown. So, that’s the “fake it until it comes true” path.
Journal your gratitude or express it in some other way. Say, “Thank you” to more people for even the smallest of favors. There is no place for unhappiness in you when you’re feeling grateful to others. Even having others in your life is something to be happy about.
Take a walk. Increase your oxygen intake. When you breathe more deeply, your body is doing something positive. If you exercise regularly, that “exercise high” you feel lasts longer, plus you’re sleeping better.
Listen to a favorite tune. I keep a playlist of songs that make me feel happy. Listening to one usually does the trick when I’m feeling down. Almost anything by the Zac Brown Band puts a smile on my face and gets my toes tapping.
Meditate. Thinking of absolutely nothing for a few minutes helps me maintain positivity. Just breathe. If that’s hard for you, a short guided meditation will also help clear the cobwebs and help you maintain your positivity. If you’d like to try meditating but don’t know where to start, download the Garden Walk Guided Meditation.
These days, it’s important to grab happiness and optimism wherever you can. Practicing one or more of these techniques will help you maintain your positivity.
An ending is a time for reflection, and the end of the year is no exception. I don’t much like to look backward, but the year-end is a natural time to do it.
No looking backward
I don’t like to look backward because the past is done. If it didn’t go well, there’s nothing I can do to change it. If it did, well, that’s great, but you can’t live in the past. But if you’re going to look back, the end of the year is the time to do it.
No resolutions
I also don’t like to make resolutions. “I resolve …” has a negative connotation. More often than not, the sentence continues, “… to not eat sugar.” Or “ … to work out every day.” But, really, how realistic is that? I don’t believe in absolutes – I believe in moderation. Everything is a possibility in moderation. Chocolate? Definitely. Financial stability? Working on it. A little bit at a time, and everything will get done.
But an ending is a time for reflection. Take a look back. Look at the good, the lessons learned, the things we wish we’d done differently.
And if there’s an ending, it follows that a beginning follows. I like the idea of a fresh start. Clean slate.
Be smart and plan
Highlighters are great tools for categorizing my brain dump.
But to ensure that my year starts the way I want it to, I have to be smart and plan for what I want to achieve. So I start with a brain dump. This can take me a while, because I have many, many thoughts flitting around my brain. They’re the ones that keep me up at night. Get everything I have to do, want to do, or think I might need to do, down on paper. I find that actual paper and pen (or pencil) is most useful for this exercise. Sometimes taking a walk around the house can spark a reminder. There are no filters with this – get everything down so there are no stray thoughts in your brain. Now I classify everything. Business-related, personal, dogs, or anything else. Colored highlighters are helpful with this.
Now for every classification, prioritize. Things that are urgent, necessary at some point, and the “It would be nice” priorities.
Look at the big picture
Take a couple of days for this. Make sure you take into consideration the things that you really want to accomplish in the coming year, or quarter, or month. Because you can do this exercise whenever you need to. Any given Wednesday is fine, or at the end of a semester, or the start of a week. It could be that you decide to take a different route in your business or things happen in your life that change your direction. No matter – you’re not tied to a specific date.
An endings is a time for reflection, and a time to look forward.
